Life

Life is an interesting thing. We are faced with so many decisions daily. Some are not really important but others make a huge impact in our lives. I've been reading several church books lately and all of them have talked about feeling the spirit and learning to listen to promptings given to us by the spirit. I think as a Christian and as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints that is the key to life. We are all just doing our best to make it back to our Heavenly Father. In the past two days I have had two conversations about this. One with my Mom and one while I was on a date. I love talking about the gospel and about Heavenly Father with others so I can get others perspective. That doesn't mean I can just go off what they said I still need to study and pray and learn on my own. I am so glad that God has placed us in families and given us friends so we can help each other in this long hard journey on Earth.
I am so grateful my Mom made the very important and hard choice to homeschool me and my siblings. I know that is one of the reasons I have such a love of learning. I've spent my whole life watching my mom learn and she instilled that in most of her children. I've made a lot of choices in my life some for the good and some not so good. But that is how we learn. So long as we take a lesson learned from our mistakes and move forward that is the important thing.
I know this story is random but I feel I need to share it. While I was on my mission someone very close to me chose to leave the church and start drinking and smoking. It broke my heart. I was serving the lord trying to help complete strangers come to Christ and my own loved one wasn't even there. It was a very hard few months. My mission President knew about all that was going on at home and helped me as much as he could but he could always be there because he had over 200 missionaries to look after. So he called my Zone leader to look after me and told him what was going on. One day at a zone lunch I was sitting next to my zone leader and as the conversation at the table drifted on some gospel principle (I don't remember what but what I said pertained) I said under my breath that I was frustrated with free agency and sometimes I wished we didn't have it because it hurt when people chose the wrong. I said this out of anger and hurt that's not really how I or feel. But my zone leader turned to me and shared this scripture: Moses 7:29-37 I'm going to paraphrase but in 29 Enoch sees the lord weeping and Enoch asks the Lord how he can weep because He is holy and he has created the Earth and so much beauty why is he crying and in the end of verse 32 God says "gave I unto man his agency" and then he goes on to say all the horrible things man has done. The end of verse 37 it says "and the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?" God is sad when we do wrong. It makes him sad. It makes our loved ones sad. However we have to have agency and we have to allow others there agency. Even though it breaks Heavenly Fathers heart he allows us to make our choices. So in other words we need to not only think about the choices we make daily and think of the impact it will have on our lives we also need to love one another and allow others to make their own choices.

Feminism

I've read a few articles on feminism lately and I know it is a very heated debate in todays world. But I want to share my opinion and my beliefs. I think it is a joke!! I don't understand why women want to be men. I enjoy being a women. I love the fact that I get to one day be a stay at home mom, clean my house, cook food for my family, support my husband in his job, and support him as he leads my family towards truth. I have watched my Mom do all these thing and I know she doesn't regret any of it. Also just because she doesn't have an official carrier she has accomplished so much in her life. She has not only raised and taught 11 children and prepared us for life spiritually, emotionally and mentally. She has organized and planned many homeschool group and activities. She has put together and runs a educational camp for youth every year and so much more!!! She is my biggest hero. She has done all this while still teaching me and my sisters that we are ladys. We need to act like ladys and respect ourselves like ladys. There is nothing wrong with any of that! As I have thought about where the world has come and what the feminist movement has done in our world it makes me sad. It emasculates men. It takes away their role in life. If every one is doing the mans job who is going to do the women's job? since the feminist movement started women have started dressing like men, talking, like men, acting like men, and stealing the mans role in life, in the home, and in the work place. This is one of the reasons I like wearing dresses all the time. (besides the fact they are comfortable) I like the way it makes feel. I feel pretty and like a women. This doesn't mean I don't think women shouldn't work or try their hardest to be good upstanding citizens but why do we have to do it while taking over the whole world. We all just need to work together. When my little sister Tanille was a senior in high school she wrote a whole research on this subject and I think it is really well written and has some good points in it. All that I have said is just my opinion but for her paper she studied and worked hard. I hope you take the time to read it because it is great:

Feminism Speech

                When questioned, one-third of women said they consider themselves feminists.  What does it mean to be a feminist though?  Feminists believe in making men and women the same and interchangeable, hoping that if they become the same they will rise above the men in our country.

                To clarify, feminists and the suffragettes of the 1900s are not the same; neither do they stand for the same things.  Suffragettes were family-oriented whereas the feminists promote divorce and casual sex.  They were also against abortion unlike the feminists who say abortion is a way to get out of a trap.  The suffragettes were trying to allow women the right to vote, and with the 19^th amendment in 1920 they got what they were fighting for.

                The feminists, on the other hand have been fighting for the Violence Against Women Act.  This act is not gender-neutral, and does not assure men their Constitutional rights in the family courts.  Specifically, feminists promote divorce and hatred of men, deprive men due process protection, and ignore men who are victims.

                To emphasize this, the Violence Against Women Act is all about rights for women, but what does it do for the men in our country?  For starters, it will bring many innocent men to prison because of false accusations and guilty presumption without any evidence.  The men in our country are being accused of rape and abuse.  This will give the men of this country fewer rights than some robbers or murderers because they do not have a fair trial.

                Feminists have also promoted one night stands instead of marriages and though marriages have decreased, divorce has increased.  Even their membership quota states, “No more than one-third of members can be participants in formal or informal marriage,”  Feminist leader Jaclyn Geller said, “We must stop repeating the absurd mantra ‘it’s okay to be single’ and adopt the more aggressive stance that, ‘it’s not okay to be married.’” This shows how aggressive they are becoming. 

                As a result of the anti-men publicity, feminists have been trying to circulate; men cannot do anything about the feminists.  If a man tries the feminists reply with shrewd comments such as, “Any man today who may say that they are being male-bashed by the movement shows insecurity.

                Nonetheless men have tried to go up against the feminists, with little success.  Roy Den Hollander, after going to the Supreme Court about discrimination, said, “Fighting for men isn’t a very popular thing to do in America these days.  Feminists take control of every institution.” 

                Although the feminists are damaging to men, women are affected in a negative was as well.  Most women in America want a family to love and depend on.  Feminists have made this reasonable goal difficult and unpopular.

                Equally important is the fact that they are saying there is no difference in gender.  Feminist Susan Okin states it in this way, “One’s [gender] would have no more relevance that one’s eye color or the length of one's toes.”  They decide to ignore the research that has been done that suggests that men’s and women’s brains are wired differently and that they have hormonal differences.

                All in all, why would the feminists want this great change in America?  Why would they want women to have sex on a whim and afterward abort their children or promote unnatural birth control?  There is no one answer but feminists want women unattached form children and family life, the place women instinctively want to be.  They are promoting women to work hard in the work field, saying they should have the same jobs as the men, and if they aren’t like in science and math they call it discrimination.  Though as Larry Summers says it is not from discrimination but because these women usually want flexible schedules instead of working the labor-intensive way men have to in order to get to the top jobs of these fields.  In research concerning women working it was proven that as women have gained more freedom, education and more power, they have become less happy. 

                Feminists have seen a problem and tried to fix it.  There was discrimination against women but rather than balancing the scales they are trying to reverse them.  Equal rights are great, but when we try to make men and women interchangeable we create problems.  The “equal rights” amendment does not truly promote equal rights, but only the agenda of the feminist leadership.  Because of the suffragists and other women we have equal rights in America.  We cannot now put the men where the women once were.

Thank you Tanille for putting it so nicely and allowing me to share your paper! I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did. I also hope I didn't offend too many people I just wanted to share the way I feel.

Spring has Sprung

I know its been a few weeks since I've posted anything sorry. Things have been coming together for me lately. I am still working part time and it is nice to have a little money to do what I want and to take care of my needs. It makes me feel good. I have been on a few dates with a few different guys. Its nice to be out in the world again I miss having friends and going out to do things on a whim. Because my closest friend is 45 min away it takes some planning to get out there. I have been on two dates with the same guy and I really like him. I hope something comes out of it. He is super sweet and we talk all the time. It makes me feel special because he has initiated most of the conversations. I love it. I would be ok if we started dating. So yeah things are looking up. But nothing in this life can be easy... just when I feel I'm on the uphill climb I started feeling more and more pain again. I finally called my doctor to have my back checked out again. I had an MRI this past Saturday and I got the results yesterday (Tuesday) I have so much scar tissue that it is hitting my nerve in the same place the disk was hitting. It feels all the same to me I can't tell the difference of what's hurting me. After talking with my doctor and my Mom we all feel the best thing to do to fix my back is to have a second surgery. They will remove all the scar tissue and remove part of the bone so if scar tissue comes back again I will have more room in there so it shouldn't hit my nerve again. This surgery has 97% chance of success (but so did the last one. I just keep telling myself what are the chances of me being in the 3% two times in a row? It should be fine but cross your fingers and pray real hard) although I am not looking forward to having another surgery that sounds awful!! I don't respond well to medicine and they always have a hard time keeping my pain managed. but I am willing to take one day of hell and a few weeks of recovery for a lifetime of being healthy. I am trying to be positive about the whole thing. I won't lie I have cried a few times when I think about losing my freedom again. I know I don't have a ton of friends in the area but I do like to hang out with them when I can and I like to go on dates and be free. I do spend a lot of time at home now so a ton won't change but I won't have the option anymore. I like having options. I'm hoping to have a fast recovery because 4 weeks after the surgery is camp. (I am a counselor at a camp my Mom and older brother run. Its really fun. I look forward to it every year and can't wait to see all my girls again)

Learning to be Positive

Because my last two posts have been negate and I have a personal goal of being more positive I am going to have a positive post with thing that make my life happy! Here it goes

* Family. I know I talk about them a lot but they are the best thing in my life and I think God gave me the best family on Earth. We are not perfect but we are close and I love them all.

* Friends. All of them are always there for me. I would name you all but I don't want this to be super long so I am just going to name Lisa! My very best friend ( I love the rest of you too I don't want any ones feeling getting hurt) Lisa and I are so much a like I feel like we are twins separated before birth! Thank you so much for always being there for me Lisa and never judging me :)

*My car. I love going on drives! When ever I am stressed or sad or need to think something through I just drive around in my car sometimes with music blasting and me singing on the top of my lungs and sometimes just enjoying the quiet. I think I know St. George like the back of my hand from all the driving I've done there.


*My job. Even though I whine about it and I have a hard time with some of the management, I am so grateful to be working again. It truly is a blessing and even though I don't work very much it and it barely covers my gas and car payment it makes me feel better about myself that I am paying my own payments again and it makes me feel a little better to know that I am somewhat self sufficient.


*My bed. Technically its my parents mattress (Not their bed. They own the bed haha just had to make that clear ;)  ) It is like sleeping on a cloud. I don't want to leave it  here when I move. I'm going to have to buy one like it when I get my own bed.

*French fries. They are just so good. That's all.


*Baking. I love being in the kitchen. I do miss making a mess at the bakery and have someone clean the kitchen for me and I come in the next day and start all over again. I have to really think if I want to clean up after myself if I want to bake now.


*Doctors. Even though they drive me crazy and I don't like going to them unless I absolutely have to, I am so glad they are there. I am so glad they spent years of their lives so they can take care of me and fix my back.


*Sunshine. I love being warm! I love the way it feels on my skin! I love sitting in it! I just love the sunshine! I am counting down the days to summer!


* Technology. I have friends all over the united states and because of technology I get to keep in touch with all of them. I get to email my friend on a mission, Keep close tabs on all the great people I met on my mission, keep in touch with all my friends in St. George. I just think its awesome.

I know this is a short list of all the great things God has given us and me but it is a start. (Sorry I got a little carried away with the clip art)

6 Months of Pain

It has been 6 months since my pain in my back started. That is 6 months of constant nagging pain 100% of the time. True it is not as bad as it was before I had surgery. I can also manage the pain with pills but it is ALWAYS in the background. Physically this has been the hardest thing I've gone through. I know a lot of others have endured a lot worse and handle it much better then I have. But the truth is I'm tired. I am so sick of this trial and I want it to go away. I don't know why I have had to go through this. My mom has come up with a bunch of theories. I know that the Lord gives us things like this for our good. To challenge us and make us grow and become closer to Him. I don't know if I feel closer to Him or just mad at Him. It depends on the day.

On a happier note I'm so grateful for my family! They have been so helpful during all of this. My parents have sacrificed time and money to move me down here and paid for all my hospital bills. My older brother, Adam took a weekend away from his family to help me move home, he also lets me chill at his house and play with his kids when ever I am bored. His wife Aurora lets me vent to her about the same crap all the time. She probably thinks I am the biggest whiner ever but it sure feels good to get stuff off my chest. She never judges me or talks down on me when we talk. Both my younger sisters, Amanda and Noelle have given up their rooms so I could have my own space. Even though I don't always say it I am very grateful to all of them and love them. I know I am a pain to live with right now and I'm sure by the time I move out my whole family will a long break from me. (Maybe I'll move to New York or Boston or someplace really far away for a few months or so)

Right before going into surgery

Work

I am now working two jobs and I am heading back into the world of adulthood again. I love it (for now) I work at the pizzeria Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights. I work at Arctic Circle on all the others days except Sunday. And sometimes I work both. I am so excited to have a little bit of purpose in my life again. Even if it isn't the most glamorous job I love that I can pay my own bills again and have some of my dignity back. I know it wasn't that bad before and my parents didn't mind helping but after being self sufficient for almost 7 years it was very humbling to not be able to take care of my needs and for a bit not even being able to get myself out of bed or stand or sit on my own. I know the lord wants me to learn something from all this. I think one of the things I have learned is being grateful for what I have. 6 months ago if I would have been put in the jobs I have now I would be very unhappy and probably whine about it. Now I remember that any job is great. I need to be happy with what I have and who I have. I'm sure the Lord will have to remind me that  many times in my life (I just hope He doesn't take me take me so far down next time before I learn/remember) I know that I will learn more from all that has happened to me and I have learned more already. This life is a very long journey. We make mistakes learn from them and make more.

Me after working both jobs. Tired but happy!
(Sorry its blurry)

Valentines Day

With Valentines day coming up I have been asked by a few of my older friends why I am not dating any one or why am I not married. I had a conversation about this with my Mom the other day and I am sure she is tired of me whining about it but I am going to vent one more time. Just because I am almost 25 and still single that doesn't mean I am unhappy or not living my life to the fullest. In a previous job that I had I was treated differently then someone my same age because he was married and I wasn't. I know this was the case because before he was married we were treated the same. I volunteer with some youth during the year and once again married people my age are treated with more respect then the single people. I'm sure I have a biased opinion and some of you may think that  I am sensitive because I am single. Well I'm not. I have talked with different friends of mine who are in different parts of their lives and this is the conclusion I have come up with.

 In the Mormon culture we live in no one is ever good enough. I am not talking about in Gods eyes I am talking about all the "helpful" people telling every one how to live their lives. Once you graduate from high school for girls and once you get home from your mission for boys, the young people in the church are constantly grilled about getting married. Once you are married you are immediately asked when you are having a baby. A close friend of mine started getting asked this question less then a week after she was married. Once you have your first child the question is when are you having your second baby etc. until it people start talking about how you have too many kids. I repeat no one is ever good enough. This is just if you are a member. If you are a non-member in the Utah/Idaho areas you might as well move. I've always known they are treated different but every once in a while I hear stories that make me sad to be apart of this culture. Just today I heard about someone who was denied a job because they are not a member of our church. PLEASE just love every one and treat every one the same. It shouldn't matter what you look like, what you do, who you are, what your last name is, what you believe etc. Why can't we all just support others and not judge. Every one is doing the best they can. I have very little patience for busy bodies who spend all their time in others lives. I know this is a fault of mine. I also need to learn to love everyone unconditionally I have a hard time with this and I am going to work on it.

Sorry about the venting and I know this is kind of a negative post but its my blog and this is what I am feeling right now. On a happy note: Happy Valentines day everyone :) I hope you have a great day! and I promise a happy uplifting post next time.

Starting Again

I know its been almost a year. Honestly I had giving up on my blog. It was a few different things that stopped me but my Mom mentioned the other day she missed reading my posts and it is quiet  therapeutic for me to write some of my feelings out. So to get you all up to date on my life in the past year here is the readers digest version of my year.


I spent the past year working at Grandma Tobler's Bakery.  I was kind of managing the bakery. I had the manager title but the owner was there all the time so I really only managed when she was out of town. I enjoyed my job. I was doing what I loved every day. I got to create delicious foods every day. I had a hard time with some of the drama there but no matter where you work you are going to get that.
While living in St. George I made some great new friends and became reacquainted with some wonderful old friends. I miss it every day.
Starting in the end of August I started having some hip pain. I thought it was just a pulled muscle and thought it would go away soon. after a few weeks of it getting worse those around me convinced me to go get it checked out. (I really didn't want to go get it checked out I still thought it would go away on its own) then after a really long hard day at work I was in much more pain and went to a doctor. He said the pain was from my back even though it was hurting in my leg. He gave me some steroids and said it should feel better in two weeks. If not I should have an MRI. Not only did I not get better but I continued to get worse. I had the MRI two weeks latter on a Thursday (October 10th) My Mom and I decided I couldn't work like this any more and I couldn't live on my own with no job. I went into the bakery for my shift after the MRI, talked to my boss and didn't even finish my shift that day. My Mom, Older Brother Adam, and younger sister Noelle decided to come and help me pack up and bring me home. They arrived at my house around 1 AM Saturday morning. We (They. I mostly watched because I had a hard time moving let alone lift anything) and we headed back towards Idaho Saturday afternoon. It was the quickest move I have ever made. When we got back to Idaho I tried a few different things to fix my back. PT, shots, and rest. I ended up having back surgery a week before Thanksgiving. They fixed the herniated disk and I was on the mend. I was hoping for a quick recovery but because I was so bad before the surgery(not only was my hip in pain it moved down my calf and my foot would go numb all the time) so because I was so bad the PT said it could take up to a year before I am 100% and I will always have a weak back.
I now have a very part time job. I work at a local pizza place 3 days a week and only 12 hours a week. The first week was really hard for me. I didn't think I would be able to keep the job. But now after the 3rd week I am feeling more hopeful about it and I am looking for a full time job so I can move out on my own again and get back to normal life. I love my family and I am so very grateful for them and wouldn't change moving home for the last for anything. But I am ready to move to the next step.


Now that you are all caught up with my life I am going to try and write on here more again.




I am so excited for this upcoming year. New opportunities, new places, the sky is the limit. Once I find a job and catch up on the past few months of being unemployed I can go anywhere and do anything. Part of me wants to do a big move and a big change and move somewhere far away. Maybe back East. But the realistic part of me will probably move back to Logan or Salt Lake or something like that. I've had lots of ideas for my life but I haven't made any decisions on what I will or want to do. Some of my ideas are going to school and getting my business degree so I know what I'm doing when I open my own bakery, working hard at a job and living very frugally so I can go to that cake school in Chicago, maybe changing my career plans altogether and just bake at home for fun. Like I said the sky is the limit and I can do anything I want. Its just so hard to make a decision. I just need to keep thinking and weighing all the options.